Hollywood Trash Heap: Howard the Duck (1986)

The first trip I ever took as a professional was to a conference in Bloomington, Minn. My hotel was just a sprawling parking lot away from the Mall of America.

I’d been to the Mall before, but that was years ago, so I was excited to be there. I walked the three floors quickly, not stopping anywhere, dazed and taking it all in. With time to spare, I decided I’d ride some of the roller coasters in the theme park that makes up the middle of the mall.

I purchased $20 of tickets, enough for four rides. I chose each ride carefully, saving the classic coaster (formerly the Buzzsaw, I think) that had been around since my childhood for last. I did the log flume, a spinning coaster that was unlike anything I’ve ridden before and the coaster that does a flip.

Finally, I paid and went to board the Buzzsaw. I sat in my seat and had a hard time getting the bar to lock. I’m not a skinny guy, but I’d never had trouble like this before. Finally, the kid operating the ride came over and pushed the bar into place, jamming it into my midsection and causing my feet to lift from the cart.

Then, the ride started, we disembarked from the station and I waited eagerly for our car to click-click-click its way up the hill that would surely be around the bend… and as our car slowly turned that corner, no hill was in front of us and all at once I realized it…

…I was on the kiddie coaster. Fuck.

We kept circling for what seemed like an eternity. The parents waved to their children repeatedly and certainly wondered about the creepy, red-faced guy wearing a shirt and tie and riding in the middle cart. When the Backyardigans-themed ride ended, I got out of there as fast as I could.

Which is, I’m sure, the same thing I’d have done had I been dropped in the theater and strapped down for 1986′s Howard the Duck.

Howard began life as a Marvel comic book character in 1973. At some point, George Lucas became fixated on the character and decided America needed a live-action film about the character. If this weren’t Lucas’ brainchild, there is NO WAY a film about a walking, talking duck who swears, drinks and romances, gets greenlighted.

Howard the Duck begins when Howard, seated in his easychair reading Playduck magazine–in a alternate universe where ducks were the progenitors to humans, rather than apes (that’s right, the subtle endorsement of Evolution! Wowza!)–is captured by a laser, pulled from his room, his building, his city and his world and deposited on earth… in Cleveland, no less.

He ends up outside a rock ‘n roll club, but gets dragged in by some street toughs. The band Cherry Bomb, fronted by Beverly (Lea Thompson), is rocking on stage. Howard is quickly kicked out of the club and then gets chased by a bunch of Cleveland’s ne’re-do-wells.

Finally, he ends up back outside the rock club where he saves Beverly from being assaulted by some trashy dudes with “Quack-fu.” (No, I didn’t make that up!)

For saving her, Beverly invites Howard back to her apartment, where he explains what happened to him. Beverly suggests that he is “Here for some greater purpose.”

In the morning, they take a taxi (with Howard in a garbage bag with holes) to see Beverly’s scientist friend, Phil (Tim Robbins), who espouses he Evolutionary-theory regarding duck universe. Phil doesn’t help much and Howard and Beverly fight, causing her to leave Howard on his own.

He goes to the employment office and gets a job at a place called “Hot Tub Fever,” where he seemingly cleans up the grossness of couples who go there to canoodle. Quickly, he quits and, after seeing a KFC commercial (people eating birds!), goes back to the rock club and overhears Beverly’s manager saying he won’t pay her for the gig unless she puts out.

Howard gets into a fight with the manager and his cronies, eventually beating them all up and getting the manager to agree to let the band out of their contract. Beverly brings Howard back to her house and they talk about giving love a try while she is in her undergarments.

Inter-species romance…

But before anything happens, Phil shows up with some colleagues who have figured out that Howard came to Earth because of a science experiment with lasers gone awry. They head to the lab and when they get there it is exploding. Howard is captured and locked up, but he is able to escape with Doc Jenning (Jeffery Jones, principal in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off).

Clearly, Jenning is sick from something and as he drives poorly, Howard and Beverly take turns cracking horrible one-liners (this movie is full of them) about his driving. They get to a restaurant where he reveals that he is no longer Jenning, but a Dark Overlord who is using the laser to bring other Overlords from some kind of hell.

Meanwhile, some truckers notice Howard and start messing with him. Eventually, the whole restaurant tries to make him into soup, but finally the Dark Overlord rises and rescues Howard. Their alliance is short-lived however, the Dark Overlord abducts Beverly (her body will be host to a second Overlord) and almost runs Howard over with a semi-truck.

Phil shows up and him and Howard find a tiny airplane.

A flying duck…

They fly over a field full of duckhunters, who jump from their boats to avoid getting hit by the plane. They find the Overlord with Beverly at another lab and Howard and the Overlord fight with lasers. Howard gets the upper-hand and the spirit leaves Jenning, who returns to normal. However, the spirit isn’t dead, it goes into a bug underground.

So then Howard has to fight this frickin' thing…

In order to kill the bug, Howard has to use a laser that will destroy the telescope once and for all, essentially leaving duck world behind. After a moment of indecision, he blows the bug and the laser to smithereens.

The next scene shows Cherry Bomb on stage playing a terribly campy song about Howard. Eventually, he joins them on stage and plays a rocking guitar solo on a specially made guitar, the crowd goes wild. When the song ends, the band leaves the stage and we cut to black just as Howard and Beverly are about to kiss.

Duck Rock

I think I see what Lucas was trying to do here, I think he was attempting to make a madcap romp. I’m guessing Lucas thought he was giving us an adult version of ET: The Extra Terrestrial. However, a live-action duck is just much more suited for a childrens’ audience and, not surprisingly, Howard the Duck made only $30 million, $1 million less than it cost to make.

It isn’t madcap though, the adventures they undertake are meaningless and seemingly random and the movie drags more than once. The characters are undercooked and Lucas seems creepily intrigued by the idea of an inter-species relationship between a person and a duck.

Nonetheless, Howard the Duck is a movie that kids would probably enjoy (after all, there is no subtext and lots of crude, sophomoric humor), only kids couldn’t see it (unless they had cool parents) because it was made for adults.

Like I learned the hard way at the Mall of America, things intended for children do not tend to work for adults.

Verdict: KEEP IN THE HEAP

A film to watch instead: 1952′s Best Picture-winner, The Greatest Show on Earth, starring Charlton Heston and revealing the trails and tribulations of life as part of the circus.

Best Picture goes to: Platoon ’86- Sheen comes of age in the Vietnam War, learns that there is good and evil in every man. Very sad, gritty and visceral film. -@NLH_13

Next time in the Hollywood Trash Heap: 1986′s Under the Cherry Moon*

*Two films won Worst Picture in 1986, Howard the Duck and Under the Cherry Moon. For the sake of this series, I’m reviewing them in alphabetical order.